The vast majority of the time, my husband and I are like most married couples - we have sex because of the mutual attraction, love and genuine interest in connecting with each other both physically and emotionally. This last week it's been about responding to the information that ClearBlue NotSoEasy has provided. Two bars - we try to have sex. Three bars and we're committed. Unfortunately, three bar night happened to fall on a day that we were both exhausted. Literally. By 8:30 pm we were both a little whiny and longing to go to bed - to sleep. There was no interest on either of our parts.
So we tried. Unsuccessfully. As in I was literally falling asleep and so was he. Not really productive. But we're committed to the process and set the alarm for 5 AM instead of 6 AM. All I could think was oh.. my.. God.. I'm actually waking up at 5 AM to have sex with someone I could have sex with at 10 pm. Holy crap, I have to go to work for 15 hours after this, I'm going to be so tired - *whine*.
Like always though, once we got into it, it was pretty fun. Might not have started in the mood but definitely finished in it. Of course the 30 minutes of falling back asleep certainly didn't hurt either. But I won't lie - I'm tired. And last night, I was disappointed. It felt like another month was going to fly by completely wasted if we didn't complete things last night. Ignore the fact that we attacked this with all the enthusiasm of cleaning the litter box, we want a baby.
Hopefully tonight is a little more engaging and romantic. That's really how I'd prefer to remember this process. *sigh* I wish there were time for a nap.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
That couple..
You see them sitting in a restaurant, smiling at each other across the table. The look on both their faces says they are in love and you can’t help but smile to yourself when you see the wedding rings and know it’s not new love. It’s the love that’s built from years, tears and triumphs. We’ve been that couple.
You see them on the phone. She smiles that special smile that reaches her eyes and the joy on her face is the purest of human emotion. You see her laugh and hear the genuine humor that cuts through other conversations. The whispered I love you and the wistful look as her phone goes back into her pocket or purse. We’ve been that couple.
You seem together, struggling but leaving on one another for strength. His shoulders pulled back, arm around her, supporting, encouraging and even depending. There may be tears, sad faces, sorrow or even difficult words, but the commitment to get through it together is clear. We’ve been that couple.
And we’ve all seen the conversation stop as they walk into a room. Where their friends dance around the conversation of children and people are reluctant to ask them about trying. Everyone knows they were trying and since no baby shower invitations have arrived, it’s clear they are struggling. So half say nothing and half offer platitudes about their 18th cousin 3 times removed got pregnant with 1/8 of an ovary after trying for umpteen years. We don’t want to be that couple.
It’s funny though, when people know you’re trying for a baby it becomes different. You aren’t the same people anymore. Some of my friends avoid me all together and refuse to talk about their kids or their pregnancies. Others keep bringing me books, ovulation charts and tests and filling my ear with stories about the successes and people they know who struggled. The thing is, I don’t want to hear about your friend who had 6 miscarriages before she had a healthy baby or your cousin who mortgaged her life for unsuccessful IVF to get pregnant 3 months later. That’s absolutely fabulous for them, but for me, it only adds more stress and makes me panic thinking crap, what if I’m like them! What if I’m destined for 6 miscarriages or bankrupting my savings on IVF to be left with nothing? I know they are trying to help but really, if you have friends who are trying to conceive, they are the same couples they were before. Don’t make them into the last couple. I know we don’t want to be…
You see them on the phone. She smiles that special smile that reaches her eyes and the joy on her face is the purest of human emotion. You see her laugh and hear the genuine humor that cuts through other conversations. The whispered I love you and the wistful look as her phone goes back into her pocket or purse. We’ve been that couple.
You seem together, struggling but leaving on one another for strength. His shoulders pulled back, arm around her, supporting, encouraging and even depending. There may be tears, sad faces, sorrow or even difficult words, but the commitment to get through it together is clear. We’ve been that couple.
And we’ve all seen the conversation stop as they walk into a room. Where their friends dance around the conversation of children and people are reluctant to ask them about trying. Everyone knows they were trying and since no baby shower invitations have arrived, it’s clear they are struggling. So half say nothing and half offer platitudes about their 18th cousin 3 times removed got pregnant with 1/8 of an ovary after trying for umpteen years. We don’t want to be that couple.
It’s funny though, when people know you’re trying for a baby it becomes different. You aren’t the same people anymore. Some of my friends avoid me all together and refuse to talk about their kids or their pregnancies. Others keep bringing me books, ovulation charts and tests and filling my ear with stories about the successes and people they know who struggled. The thing is, I don’t want to hear about your friend who had 6 miscarriages before she had a healthy baby or your cousin who mortgaged her life for unsuccessful IVF to get pregnant 3 months later. That’s absolutely fabulous for them, but for me, it only adds more stress and makes me panic thinking crap, what if I’m like them! What if I’m destined for 6 miscarriages or bankrupting my savings on IVF to be left with nothing? I know they are trying to help but really, if you have friends who are trying to conceive, they are the same couples they were before. Don’t make them into the last couple. I know we don’t want to be…
It's Clear.. It's Blue.. But Easy?!?!
Today begins day one of my new friend ClearBlue Easy Fertility monitoring. Kind of cool, on the back of the package is the emotional marking ploy of actual babies conceived using the product. Definitely increased my desire to buy it. So I did. $185 for the monitor and 30 sticks.
So last night in bed, I sat and read the instruction manual. Program the monitor for my "m" day - the day of my period. You can actually set it for m1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, which was useful since it was day 5 of my period. Apparently, the first month is like dating - the monitor is getting to know you and your fertility habits. Personally, I'd rather just key this stuff in and skip the learning curve, but I digress. Now I have a 6 hour window every day to urinate on the stick and allow the monitor to evaluate my fertility.
I'm pretty regular and I've already notified my husband to black out a week of his day planner for our expected activities. This time, I'm going to try and do it right - every single night of the 5 day window. Unfortunately, the 5 day window isn't optimally scheduled for us. It's the first week of back to work for me and the hardest week of the month for my husband. Nothing we can do about that though.
Wish me luck! Here goes...
So last night in bed, I sat and read the instruction manual. Program the monitor for my "m" day - the day of my period. You can actually set it for m1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, which was useful since it was day 5 of my period. Apparently, the first month is like dating - the monitor is getting to know you and your fertility habits. Personally, I'd rather just key this stuff in and skip the learning curve, but I digress. Now I have a 6 hour window every day to urinate on the stick and allow the monitor to evaluate my fertility.
I'm pretty regular and I've already notified my husband to black out a week of his day planner for our expected activities. This time, I'm going to try and do it right - every single night of the 5 day window. Unfortunately, the 5 day window isn't optimally scheduled for us. It's the first week of back to work for me and the hardest week of the month for my husband. Nothing we can do about that though.
Wish me luck! Here goes...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Green Eyed Monster Cries Too..
When you're trying to get pregnant, it's a like a little part of you really hopes that none of your friends gets pregnant in that time period. And then, it happens. Either someone calls or stops by to share the news with you - they are pregnant!
For me, it's my sister. This will be her third baby and I'm trying to be happy for her. It's hard though. Immediately it hit me that she got pregnant fast, without even really trying and me, I can't seem to get a positive result with fertility tracking. *warning - major whining coming* It's just not fair! Not fair!! I really, really want a baby, more than anything and for her, it's just too easy. One time. Literally, one sex act and she's pregnant. No peeing on a stick, no tracking, no temperature taking or sex on schedule. *sigh*
I just need some time to get over the jealousy. But it's more than jealousy. It's tears and the feeling of desperation mixed with something that feels like resignation. Should I keep trying? Can I take being disappointed every month? All I know right now is that this stinks.
For me, it's my sister. This will be her third baby and I'm trying to be happy for her. It's hard though. Immediately it hit me that she got pregnant fast, without even really trying and me, I can't seem to get a positive result with fertility tracking. *warning - major whining coming* It's just not fair! Not fair!! I really, really want a baby, more than anything and for her, it's just too easy. One time. Literally, one sex act and she's pregnant. No peeing on a stick, no tracking, no temperature taking or sex on schedule. *sigh*
I just need some time to get over the jealousy. But it's more than jealousy. It's tears and the feeling of desperation mixed with something that feels like resignation. Should I keep trying? Can I take being disappointed every month? All I know right now is that this stinks.
Trial... and Error
Another month of trying and no success. It's pretty upsetting really. Hopefully, there are other people who do this and it's not just me - you get hopeful and allow yourself to start thinking that maybe, just maybe, this is the month. Time passes slower until the day you can finally test and then... one line. Bummer. Another unsuccessful month.
We did everything right. We knew exactly when ovulation happened and had sex! There's nothing wrong with either of us, we've had the tests to prove that and still another month of a negative result. It's so disappointing and even a little bit heartbreaking. We both really want to have a baby and it's just so hard!
So we've switched. Instead of using the disposable ovulation prediction kits, we'll use the rather expensive Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. For a months supply of tests and the machine, we're in another $200. With consideration to the costs of other fertility measures it's actually pretty cheap. As per my doctor the only thing we can do for the next few months is try. Until then, they won't do Clomid and that's the starting point. The process goes Clomid, IUI then IVF until you finally have to give up on that route.
I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's tough. Please, please, please.
We did everything right. We knew exactly when ovulation happened and had sex! There's nothing wrong with either of us, we've had the tests to prove that and still another month of a negative result. It's so disappointing and even a little bit heartbreaking. We both really want to have a baby and it's just so hard!
So we've switched. Instead of using the disposable ovulation prediction kits, we'll use the rather expensive Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. For a months supply of tests and the machine, we're in another $200. With consideration to the costs of other fertility measures it's actually pretty cheap. As per my doctor the only thing we can do for the next few months is try. Until then, they won't do Clomid and that's the starting point. The process goes Clomid, IUI then IVF until you finally have to give up on that route.
I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's tough. Please, please, please.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friend or Faux?
You don’t to my age without having the vast majority of your friends sending you baby shower invitations. Normally, this results in my heading straight for Pottery Barn Kids, Babies-R-Us or where ever they’ve chosen to register and gleefully cooing over the adorable items while attempting to pick the perfect ones. It’s fun! It’s the best part without having to deal with the morning sickness, stretch marks or lifestyle change.
But all that changes when you’re trying to have a baby. It’s hard when one of your friends informs you they are pregnant to just feel genuine happiness without the green eyed monster of jealousy lurking below. It’s not easy. I’ll admit my first thoughts are usually – why not me! My follow up feelings vary based on the situations though. I have a friend who has been trying to years, if she told me she was pregnant I would be elated for her! Screaming, jumping up and down and genuinely excited. She wants it as bad as I do, if not more.
Other people though, not so much. I’ve figured out some of my friends are my faux friends. They get a little bit of pleasure out of telling me they are pregnant, like it was a race or a contest. The ultimate insults – it only took one time, I was on birth control, he can just look at me and get me pregnant – are delivered with a little smirk. Frankly, it makes me nauseous. Show a tiny bit of sensitivity and I’ll be able to be happy for you and quash the jealousy. Attempt to rub it in my face in a mean spirited way and I’m probably not going to give you the reaction that you want – unless you just want to see me angry or cry.
The worst though is when the follow up to anyone of those things is when they tell you they are dealing with it or really don’t want a baby. That’s rough. It’s hard then not to scream at them or beat your head against the table you’re sitting at. The only logical thing – grab the nearest waiter and order something strong. Straight up.
But all that changes when you’re trying to have a baby. It’s hard when one of your friends informs you they are pregnant to just feel genuine happiness without the green eyed monster of jealousy lurking below. It’s not easy. I’ll admit my first thoughts are usually – why not me! My follow up feelings vary based on the situations though. I have a friend who has been trying to years, if she told me she was pregnant I would be elated for her! Screaming, jumping up and down and genuinely excited. She wants it as bad as I do, if not more.
Other people though, not so much. I’ve figured out some of my friends are my faux friends. They get a little bit of pleasure out of telling me they are pregnant, like it was a race or a contest. The ultimate insults – it only took one time, I was on birth control, he can just look at me and get me pregnant – are delivered with a little smirk. Frankly, it makes me nauseous. Show a tiny bit of sensitivity and I’ll be able to be happy for you and quash the jealousy. Attempt to rub it in my face in a mean spirited way and I’m probably not going to give you the reaction that you want – unless you just want to see me angry or cry.
The worst though is when the follow up to anyone of those things is when they tell you they are dealing with it or really don’t want a baby. That’s rough. It’s hard then not to scream at them or beat your head against the table you’re sitting at. The only logical thing – grab the nearest waiter and order something strong. Straight up.
T Minus 36 Hours
It’s a pretty awesome feeling actually – the first day that you see the second stripe on the ovulation test and aren’t chucking $3 in the garbage for nothing. Happy dance in the bathroom! Now we just have to wait for the second line to get as dark or darker than the stupid control line. But the next part is slightly more complicated. I mean of course, we’re new to trying and it’s still pretty exciting so I can run into the bedroom and tell my husband to make sure he’s available the next 4-5 nights, mornings or late afternoons – I’m open minded!
Having lots of friends who have gone through this process, I can say that it’s different for every couple. I have one friend who swears her husband is so excited just to be having lots of sex that he could care less if she is interested or makes any effort. I have other friends who plan romantic trips around ovulation time. Another friend claims to literally run in the door after work and scream the words “I’m ovulating” at her tv watching husband as she begins disrobing on the way to the bedroom. Now that’s hot.
We’ve always been a pretty normal couple. We’re in love, happy and pretty compatible in bed. We let things happen and in general don’t plan them out – if the mood strikes and things progress – fabulous, but we’ve never planned it like this. Now, it’s a plan. We’ll be having sex the next 4 nights, mood or no mood. How romantic. If this were a TTC (trying to conceive) message board, I would say it’s time for the BD (baby dance) with DH (darling husband). Ha! Fortunately, my darling husband is one of those men who really doesn’t need a whole lot of emotional support or seduction to be interested, so this is right up his alley!
Before, I always figured that I would get pregnant randomly. You know, a random day where everything lined up perfectly and we conceived a child out of a spontaneous act of love. Not so much. It will still be out of love, just not spontaneous. But that’s ok too..
Having lots of friends who have gone through this process, I can say that it’s different for every couple. I have one friend who swears her husband is so excited just to be having lots of sex that he could care less if she is interested or makes any effort. I have other friends who plan romantic trips around ovulation time. Another friend claims to literally run in the door after work and scream the words “I’m ovulating” at her tv watching husband as she begins disrobing on the way to the bedroom. Now that’s hot.
We’ve always been a pretty normal couple. We’re in love, happy and pretty compatible in bed. We let things happen and in general don’t plan them out – if the mood strikes and things progress – fabulous, but we’ve never planned it like this. Now, it’s a plan. We’ll be having sex the next 4 nights, mood or no mood. How romantic. If this were a TTC (trying to conceive) message board, I would say it’s time for the BD (baby dance) with DH (darling husband). Ha! Fortunately, my darling husband is one of those men who really doesn’t need a whole lot of emotional support or seduction to be interested, so this is right up his alley!
Before, I always figured that I would get pregnant randomly. You know, a random day where everything lined up perfectly and we conceived a child out of a spontaneous act of love. Not so much. It will still be out of love, just not spontaneous. But that’s ok too..
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